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Ashleigh
26 May 2011 @ 03:09 am
ok so i miss my journal so much. im drunk right now but so what. jame and i are now engaged . i now wowsers on both end pushing awaybut i love with every part of my soul. we dont belong together we should have never met but we did and it like magnets pushing so hard against each other but at the same time give us a lil push and we r together through and through. he is my heart n soul love him but we dont get along all the time...
 
 
Ashleigh
20 March 2009 @ 01:19 pm
So today I am trying to realize whether I have it in me to try and move forward. I've been a waitress for Applebees for 4 years now and don't get me wrong I love it. Its a fun job I get to know new people all the time and normally its pretty good money. But I still feel like something is missing. Like that I can do better. I know I could if I ever got the chance to. I hate myself for not going to college and learning to do something I love doing. But I feel like that now that im 23 that its too late to start again. I wish I would have been strong enough to just forget what the people I thought really cared about me and just moved and went to school and been through with it now. Instead I stayed around a town that has no jobs and I got my heart broke and lost my passion for anything. I feel like I should be more then what I am. I am smart and I have a lot of talent. I just don't remember what its like to be that outgoing "I can do anything" type girl again. I mean I have a 1 year old daughter I don't ever get to see and I have nothing to show for the past 5 years of my life. I want to grow up and be an adult. Don't get me wrong I CAN be independent as hell. I look after myself I don't allow anyone else to do that for me. But I don't "take care" of myself and do the things I want to do. I don't stand up for myself or what I want. Everyone I meet says I'm such a great person. Now if only I could beleive it for myself. I'm tired of just making it. I want to be able to live. I tried moving... that didn't do much except just hide from the pain for a few months. Then it was back to the way its always been. I want to figure out what I want in life and actually go after it and not listen to what other people want for me. I need to find out what I want from life. I want to just be me. I want to stop caring what others think and just find my dreams again. Because where I've been chasing other peoples dreams I've lost my own.

Today I am going to start being me and doing what makes me happy... not what makes everyone else happy!
 
 
Current Mood: determineddetermined
 
 
Ashleigh
26 February 2009 @ 04:37 pm
Ok.. So today was my first day back to work! They put me on a morning shift so I could get usedto everything again. It is like riding a bike! It was slow as shit but I still made 40 bucks so not too bad. I work saturday night and all day sunday monday night and of course tuesday night for karaoke! It shall be fun!! I love working. I felt so lazy the since I got home from jail. Actually i felt lazy as shit in jail too. So all is well. Amanda is still trying to convince me to move to myrtle baech with her. Since she's moving there it'll be cool because I can go visit and hang out and have a "summer home" at the beach. Fucking A! Regardless I'm helping her move down April 3rd- 5th so that'll be fun!
 
 
Current Mood: bouncybouncy
 
 
Ashleigh
25 February 2009 @ 05:49 pm
Well the past few days have been boring as fuck. oh well I guess that is the life of not working. I'm hoping to get my candle/ ebay business i think it will work out good. and James is on a week on week off schedule so that should be good for my boredom. I work tomorrow morning. That will be interesting :) We shall see. I hate not working. It drives me insane. James is excited about not working. He hates to work. I love to work how weird lol. Oh well all n all it has been a good few days. I'm still not over the whole Rachel thing but I have a feeling it will take a long time if I do ever get over it. Amanda wants me to move to Myrtle beach with her. If I dont feel better about my situation I might take her up on it as a last resort. Again we shall see. I will write more later. Maybe I'll post some picture updates sometime soon.
 
 
Ashleigh
22 February 2009 @ 08:08 pm
Ok so the whole James cheating on me thing is really getting to me at the moment. I just don't quite know how to cope with it yet. I care about him so much but It just eats at me at every moment with her still in our lives. I know having Michael live here that its part of the territory but its just hard to know that she still calls my house and stops by to pick Michael up and everything. Like tonight she was calling and he jokingly was going to have me answer the phone but he needs to understand that just because I put up this good front about it that I'm still not ok with it. I'm just not to that point... if I ever will be. I guess he thinks I'm ok but I'm really not. It tears me up so bad inside. I have so much on my plate right now. I'm dealing with my emotional/mental behaviors of using drugs and alcohol as a way to vent, which I know is extremely unhealthy for me, and it is so hard to get to a "normal" place with it. Dealing with getting out of jail. Dealing with me not having an direction to my life. I'm trying to find myself and I'm hidden pretty well and have been for quite a few years. I'm trying to learn who I am and what I really want out of life. Dealing with my situation with Darcy and everything. I just don't know how I'm going to do it. Or what I can do about it. I don't know how to make myself be able to trust him. I want to but I just can't comprehend how someone who cares about another person betray them like that if they actually care about them. Yes people make mistakes but it is so deep that I dont see how it was a simple mistake. He knew I hated her from the get go because of him dating her right before me and that made me feel second best because a) he started dating her while me n him were getting to know each other and b) she broke up with him and from what he said in the begining that it really affected him. Then, all the things she said about me after him and I started to date made me dislike her. And now him fucking her, while I was in jail!, it makes me feel like I'm second best. It makes me feel like he would rather be with her but either she doesnt want him or that I'm more convinent since she is a proven whore. And he knows I'll be here because I love him. I just dont understand how THAT can be a mistake. I would be extremely more ok if it was someone random or anyone else other then Sam actually. I guess it where I've never cheated on someone to know how that whole process works but I figure someone who knows that pain of getting hurt in that way how they could bring it on someone that they care about in the least let alone love. I'm dealing with it extremly well considering im not going psycho and leaving or bringing it up about everything but I dont know how to ACTUALLY deal with it myself. How to get rid of the inside pain not just what my actions are about it. I dont want to sound cliche but I just wish I could comprehend how and WHY he could do it to me. Its not just the cheating thats bad enough in itself but its mostly who it was. And not only the action but now how he treats the situation. just like everything is hunky-dory and perfectly fine like it never happened. That also hurts. It makes it seem like its not a big deal to him and that makes me wonder if it was a big deal to him and whether I can believe him that it wont happen again. I want to but I built new walls and I'm trying to not have walls anymore with anyone i care about. I dont want to leave this relationship because I love him more then I ever thought I could love anyone. I want to make it so I'm not hurting. I want things to be ok. but ACTING like they are when its not isnt going to accomplish anything. its just going to send me back into my downward spiral again. I just wish instead of ignoring that it happened that he would explain to me how he feels about the situation and why he thought it was ok and why he didnt think. I just need him to show me that I can trust him not only to not do it again but to trust that he cares for me the way he says he does. He thinks that just because he is still with me shows he cares but I've put people through worse who didnt care about me and they stuck through it and later realized that they didnt care and that it was just "comfortable". I really want to know how I cna better rationalize this situation. I just want to be ok. Not just act like I'm ok.
 
 
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
 
 
 
Ashleigh
20 February 2009 @ 12:49 pm
Ok so I got a second DUI and have been in jail for like ever. Word from the wise jail is worse then i thought it would be. It is so good to be out. My life is still just as hectic as ever but I'm working on it. I'm going to start selling candles and saling things on ebay. I think itd be fun and something that I will enjoy. But we shall see. I'm still with James and things are good with us. I was in The RISE program in jail it is a peer mediated program for addicts. It was good for me it got alot of the hurt from my past out. I learned how to unstuff and stop stuffing my pain and feelings away. I learned how to express myself better and deal with things that bother me. I still have my job at Applebee's because I mean come on they love me there! :) They have been supporting me throughout my incarceration. I think the candle/ebay thing will be good for me since well i dont have a license for i think 3 years. but anyway there are a few people I really miss that i was incarcerated with. We became really close since I spent every waking hour with them for the past few months. I also got really good at spades. lol. and i learned how to play dice. You know the "normal" jail stuff. I also learned that people in jail are really creative. I guess since there isnt much else to do in there. It is really boring so you gotta find ways to entertain and take care of yourself. Yesterday was when I was released and it was strange to not be handcuffed and told what to do every second of every day. I ate breakfast at Cracker Barrel and dinnner at Red Lobster. I got really really depressed last night i think its where I wasnt in groups and have the support that I need. I mean hell for the past few months I've been in therapy groups from 7am til 7pm. The jail didnt transfer my personal property so I have to go back to get my letters and books and such. Which really sucks. I'm pissed about it. My mom and sister are coming down to see me today. That should be interesting. I'm excited about it though. It should be fun. I just dont want to be lectured to death now that I'm out. I mean I already went through my punishment of jail is that not enough? Anyway, I learned that writing is a big help for me because it allows me to get my shit out even if i dont have someone to talk to or someone who understands. I'm just ready to start life again.

I'm ready to start living not just existing!
 
 
Current Mood: determineddetermined
 
 
Ashleigh
26 September 2008 @ 10:41 am
Ok so nothing new in my life lol. how boring :) maybe if i start writing at night when i get home i might have more to say lol. I miss Darcy horribly. Thats the pain going on in my life. I really love James. Thats the comfort in my life. So its evened out... kinda. missing Darcy is stronger then love. Its cold here. I hate cold weather :( I thought i was gonna be sick last night it was just rainy and nasty. Bleck. I work tonight at the bees and I work tomorrow at Wild Willys. Well see how that works out :) I'm meeting Carrie today for lunch. that should be nice. Gah i really really really need a new job. applebees is killing me :( which sucks cause i love working there. it so laid back n easy going.
 
 
Current Music: Foghat | Slow Ride
 
 
Ashleigh
22 September 2008 @ 03:38 pm
Well me n James went to his cabin this weekend. it was AWESOME! :) made me kinda miss wv.
 
 
Ashleigh
16 September 2008 @ 01:25 pm
Last night was a boring monday night... as always. I got a doctors appointment tomorrow morning. lets hope that goes well. I gotta work tonight and im off tomorrow. I hope I make some money. I need to. I can't wait to see Carrie tonight. Its seems like a some shit went down in Myrtle. I miss her and I being closer. I feel like we have a lot of distance between us.. and it sucks. Amanda also. Maybe I'm just boring lol. I really miss hangin out with my friends all the time though. I'm soooo... out of the loop nowadays. and I HATE IT. Nothing you can do about that I guess though. I'm trying to convince James to move to the beach once he finishes his apprentice-ship. I hope so. That would make me smile. to get outta this place. I'm in need of a change for the good.... soon. I hope this weekend is fun. James said Christian and a few r gonna come on saturday night to party. Oh well it'll be fun. They will probably end up not showing anyway. I just hope bugs dont get me. Eeek!
 
 
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
Current Music: Linkin Park | No More Sorrow
 
 
Ashleigh
15 September 2008 @ 12:01 pm
Well I didnt get to go to Myrtle with Amanda and Carrie but James and I went to Va beach on friday since i had to work saturday. We went to his grandparents and visited with them for the evening and got ice cream and chocolate milk from Yoder Dairy. mmmm. Then we got dressed and went to Mahi Mah's for dinner. we ate outside so we were beach front and i could see the beach n waves :) We ended up not gettin on the beach which sucked ass but it was still a nice day trip. We ended up going to his sisters on the way home and stayed the night there cause it got late. I had to work saturday and sunday night which blew ass. but oh well. I'm currently looking for a new job. I hate it. :( But a girls gotta do what shes gotta do. Umm. other then this weekend my week was boring lol. I have to work tonight which sucks. I hate mondays. We dont make ne money. I guess that sums it up. I'm supposed to go with James to the Mountains this weekend. That aought to be fun :) I hope.
 
 
Current Mood: bouncybouncy